Memo to you… yes you.

I know working with others is hard. Not all of us like to play in the sandbox together, but when we have to there are a few rules of engagement. And they don’t involve banging Sally on the head with your shovel and then running to snake the swing out from under Kate. You should have learned that a long time ago… Also I know that meetings are the bane of our existence. But since you hold this bureacratic bullshite meeting at least once a quarter there are no more excuses, you should have already learned from the mistakes. So it is time someone went over a few simple facts with you.

First… If you are going to ask people at the last minute to cover your ass for inane shit, you’d best step up to the plate. It is not hard nor is it confusing. For once it is simple. If you ask me to come and help you get a meeting ready at 7:30am (when I rarely grace my office before 10am) you damn well better start by picking up your phone when I call and being there too. That is a basic form of respect. Also FYI it does not take 2.5 hours to put out folders, water and name cards. I’m just sayin.

Second… For the record in case you forgot, I work on Policy. Yes with a capital P. And don’t think I am playing hierarchical here like you are (who sits on which side of the Deputy Secretary Generale I don’t care… throw your temper tantrum elsewhere). I don’t think any work is beneath me, hell I have an assistant from hell that does nothing, so I do her job too. An assistant who I now thanks to the immature joys of working for an international organisation can say I am sending to Khartoum. You don’t like your assistant, send her to Sudan (for the record she is from the region and happy to go)… but it is saying a lot that NEITHER of your TWO assistants are there doing anything. And maybe before panicking and rounding up FOUR substantive consultants to do what is a ONE person 30 minute job… you should stop and think if you want to expend that kind of capital. Also learn to count!

See people round here think I am some kind of a miracle worker when we have to work to do in the Ivory Tower. Nope… I am just friendly and not beneath bribing people or whatever else it takes to get shit done. Also I am VERY VERY thankful to anyone who helps bail my ass out when the Arc springs a leak… Which has happened on more than one occasion. Hell in May I had the hull full choppered in half and thanks to being smart and the power of Vodka I kept the frigging boat afloat. Just like during prayers at the family table, you need to give thanks here too. Let’s be clear though, I don’t mean a half assed email saying thanks afterwards. I mean if it is 7:30am on a fecking Friday… BE THERE WITH FUCKING COFFEE. It is a gesture that opens doors.

As a matter of fact after this last go round with the bullshit I can now clearly say that I will feel no guilt next time round, cause there are always more Steering Meetings (we are steering more shit around than anyone knows what to do with I tell you). I will be the first to say No. HELL TO THE NOES. I am going to sleep in so that when 3pm sneaks around and I have yoga at 7pm I am not dreading the end of my week cause dude… ALL I WANT IS A NAP. And your head on a platter, so I can hand you your smacked ass.